Armpit Glamour..? Really...?!

What started as a medical procedure to help sufferers of chronic excess sweating when anti-perspirants and medications had failed, is being touted as the latest must-do cosmetic procedure, leading the geniuses at 'Today' to question whether the armpit is the new erogenous zone... (none of us have lives, you know...?)

Yes, doctors started using Botox to treat the wet and worrisome condition, hyperhidrosis; injecting the armpit glands with the magickal toxin to inhibit the chemical transmitter than causes sweating, and reputedly giving their patients up to six months relief from what would really be a big fuckin annoyance. 

The celebrities pricked up their ears on hearing the word 'Botox', their surgically perfect nose tips twitching in the air as they sensed an opportunity to enhance themselves in a whole new way... and their people found a way to spin their vanity in a way that sounds semi-sensible: Yes people, Botox is a non-pharmaceautical option to Red Carpet anxiety sweats. No, really. It is. 

As icky as it is, I could kinda get my head around women having surgery to pretty up their cooch, especially after the bald beaver making such a trendy splash; I guess you want that shit all tidy when you've got it on total display... (shrug...idk)

But armpits...?

According to recent 'research' 93% of women find their armpits unattractive... (Apparently 87% of the same women thought they were being hit on by a pervert when faced with the question 'Do you find your armpits attractive?' and curiously enough, still chose to answer!) And who were these interested parties? Who gives a flying fuck if women find their armpits attractive? Who in the hell even thought to ASK that question?

Unilever. Yes Unilever, owner of brands like Lipton, Vaseline, Sunsilk, Dove and Rexona. Wait... Dove and Rexona? Would anyone like a hot cup of vested interest while reading what the sweet and caring Mike Dwyer, Unilever's US Marketing Director for all things smelly, had to say: 

'We spoke with over 500 women, and almost every one of them thinks that their underarms are unattractive... One in three, meanwhile, said they feel more confident when their pits are in good condition. How do we give them that confidence?'

How? Surely, that is rhetorical. Mike, the answer is simple. You simply air the answers to your leading questions as  'grievances' then package it as 'research'; present it to those of us who never friggin' thought about it so we have something else to fuss about; and serve us up a pretty new product to solve the problem we never knew we had. Oi la!

Oh... am I being cynical? Let's ask Mike Dwyer's cahoot over at Procter and Gamble, Kevin Hochman (and be sure to do a douchey voice in your head when you read this). 

'If we don't continue to invent products that improve consumers' lives, we'll have trouble growing our business.'

MmmHmm... Nice one, Kev... succinct. 

Yes, if you don't question yet another part of your body image and buy the latest crap, Kev and MikeyD will be back to getting hookers off a street corner and coke from the pimp... And for the love of god, don't stop moisturising, ladies, or they'll end up selling their respective 'arse'.  

Christ on a freakin penny farthing...!!! 

So here's the bonuses to having Botox in your pits...

1) You minimise sweat stains on your 120 thousand dollar frock. 

2) You only need a tiny bag now you're not carrying all those 'anti-perspirant medications'.

3) You can dispose of those horrendous dry cleaning bills. (winning..!)

4)It seems the bonus side effect of having diseased chicken blood injected into your armpit (besides paralysis) is that your armpits look sexxxxeeeee... Mmmm, uh-huh... yeahhhh... 

5) And now you have the sexy armpits you've always craved, you can get ye to the gym and start working that shit in order to develop the muscles required to jerk your man off with your new erogenous zone... 

Y'all enjoy that now...

xxx